BPD and Fear of Abandonment
G. Pacana
2/9/20243 min read
“Because memory cannot be adequately utilized to retain an image, the borderline forgets what the object of his concern looks like, sounds like, feels like. To escape the panicky sensation of abandonment and loneliness, the borderline tries to cling desperately—calling, writing, using any means to maintain contact.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of instability in mood, behavior, self-image, and interpersonal relationships. There are nine symptoms outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for BPD. The first of these symptoms is “fear of abandonment”. As stated in the DSM, “Individuals with BPD will go to extreme lengths to avoid real or imagined abandonment.” This can manifest as clinginess in relationships or acting out in response to fears of abandonment.
The fear of abandonment is a central and pervasive concern for individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD). The fear of abandonment is typically rooted in a deep-seated fear of being alone, rejected, or unloved. Individuals with BPD may harbor a profound sense of insecurity about their relationships and worry that they will be abandoned or left behind by those they care about.
This fear often stems from prior life experiences of real or perceived abandonment, such as parental neglect, separation, inconsistent caregiving, or traumatic loss. These experiences can shape the individual's beliefs about themselves and others, leading to a heightened sensitivity to any signs of potential abandonment in their current relationships.
Individuals with BPD often develop a hypervigilance to cues or signals that they interpret as signs of impending abandonment. They become hyper-attuned to subtle changes in their relationships, constantly scanning for evidence that their loved one's may be withdrawing or distancing themselves emotionally. Because of their fear of abandonment, individuals with BPD often have an exaggerated sensitivity to rejection. They will often interpret neutral or ambiguous interactions as evidence of rejection and react defensively or preemptively to protect themselves from perceived abandonment.
The fear of abandonment can significantly impact interpersonal relationships. Individuals with BPD may engage in behaviors, such as clinginess, possessiveness, or manipulation, in an attempt to maintain closeness and avoid abandonment. Conversely, they may also push others away or sabotage relationships as a preemptive defense against anticipated rejection. The fear of abandonment often exacerbates emotional dysregulation in individuals with BPD, leading to intense mood swings, anxiety, depression, and feelings of emptiness. These emotional fluctuations can further strain relationships and reinforce the individual's fear of being abandoned.
In some cases, the fear of abandonment may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as an individual's behaviors driven by this fear may inadvertently push others away or create the very outcomes they fear. This can perpetuate a cycle of abandonment and reinforce the individual's belief that they are unworthy of love or belonging. Overall, the fear of abandonment is a significant and complex symptom of BPD that profoundly influences the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of affected individuals, often requiring specialized therapeutic interventions to address it effectively.
Therapy, particularly DBT can help individuals with BPD address their fear of abandonment by learning to recognize and challenge maladaptive beliefs, regulate intense emotions, improve interpersonal skills, and develop more secure attachment patterns. Building a supportive therapeutic relationship can also provide a safe space for individuals to explore and process their fears in a nonjudgmental environment.
“In a sense, the borderline is like an emotional explorer who carries only a sketchy map of interpersonal relations; he finds it extremely difficult to gauge the optimal psychic distance from others, particularly significant others. To compensate, he caroms back and forth from clinging dependency to angry manipulation, from gushes of gratitude to fits of irrational anger. He fears abandonment, so he clings; he fears engulfment, so he pushes away. He craves intimacy and is terrified of it at the same time. He winds up repelling those with whom he most wants to connect.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
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