The Role of Empathy in BPD

"While BPD brings immense pain, it also brings an incredible capacity for empathy and passion. We feel the world more deeply than most, and when that energy is harnessed, it can be a beautiful thing."

— Sasha L. Bush

Some of us think of borderline personality disorder as nothing more than mood swings, a desperate fear of being abandoned, and impulsive behavior. That’s the stereotype, anyway. But if we dig a little deeper, there’s something else going on—a surprising ability to feel what others feel. Most don’t expect it, but empathy runs deep in many individuals with BPD, and it’s both a blessing and a curse.

Empathy and BPD—What’s Going On?

There are two types of empathy emotional or affective empathy and cognitive empathy:

1. Emotional empathy: With emotional empathy we don't simply notice someone's feelings—we can actually feel them.

2. Cognitive empathy: With cognitive empathy we understand where someone’s coming from, even if we don’t personally feel what they’re feeling.

People with BPD generally have a very high degree of emotional empathy. They can pick up on tiny shifts in someone’s voice, a flicker of worry in an eyebrow, a tense shoulder—things most people miss. It makes them incredibly in tune with others, which sounds great. But there’s a flip side. Sometimes, it can be too much. They can get overwhelmed by the emotions of the people around them.

Why Emotional Empathy Cuts Both Ways

If you’re wired like this, you can have these amazing, almost electric moments of connection. You really get someone, and they feel seen. But there’s a price:

Emotional Contagion: They don’t just notice other people’s feelings—they soak them up, good or bad. So if someone around them is hurting or angry? Suddenly, they’re right there too, swept along by that wave.

Hypervigilance: Always watching, always listening for what people are feeling. It’s exhausting. No wonder there’s hardly any energy left to handle their own emotions.

Blurry Boundaries: Where do their feelings end and someone else’s begin? Sometimes, it’s hard to tell. That can leave them confused, anxious, or even lost.

So, relationships get intense—sometimes beautiful, sometimes chaotic, often both.

Getting the Story Straight About Empathy and BPD

We sometimes have the idea that people with BPD just don’t care about others, that they’re cold or selfish because of how intense their reactions can be. However, that’s just not true. Most are actually overflowing with empathy. The real struggle is keeping their own emotions in check. When things get heated, their survival instincts can take over, and that deep empathy gets buried under panic or pain-driven reactions.

How Can We Help: Awareness and Support Matter

If we want to support someone with BPD, understanding their relationship with empathy is key. Here’s what helps:

1. Validate their feelings. Let them know that you see and hear them. It goes a long way in cutting through loneliness and that awful sense of being misunderstood.

2. Talk about boundaries. Empathy’s powerful, but without boundaries, it can burn you out. Learning where to draw the line matters.

3. Build emotional regulation skills. Things like mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation gives them tools to handle that tidal wave of feeling—without drowning in it.

When we really understand what empathy is like for people with BPD, we can see their sensitivity for the strength it is. With the right support, they can hang onto the best parts of their empathy and learn how to navigate the tough moments, too.

“Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.”

― Brené Brown